Saturday, June 4, 2011

The man in the rose-coloured jeans

Admittedly, it has been awhile since I wrote a blog post.  Sorry dear readers… I promise to be more diligent this summer.  I mean, really, if I want to be discovered for something that will yield a ‘c’ or even ‘b’ list status in order to get a call from Dancing with the Stars, blogging could be my meal ticket.

With that, I bring you: The man in the rose-coloured jeans.

Earlier this week, I found myself at The Body Shop (though this is, in principle, against my Fruits and Passion roots, no such stores are in New York… so I made lemonade whilst in search of a pillow spray).  While smelling a bar of summery pink grapefruit glycerin soap, a man who entered store caught my eye.  Maybe it was because he gave off a vibe or maybe it was because he was wearing dusty rose-coloured jeans.  Who knows?  When I turned around, I spotted him removing a tester of men’s cologne off the shelf, coyly flipping it in his hand and sliding it into his pocket.  Outrage!  Having worked in this industry for years, shoplifters officially give me mad rage.  Enter mission: catch the criminal.  I calmly walked over the cash register and told the two clerks I had just seen the pilfering go down.  They quietly made a call and headed over to chat with the man who proclaimed an interest in gift sets (what… to put down his pants?!).  Giving him items to smell and products to try, the clerks kept him in the store until security arrived.  Security came in the form of a large man, probably 220 lbs and dressed in uniform.  All of us had gleeful aura surrounding us, lest the criminal escape the throngs of our plan… however, it was clearly foolproof.  We’d done all the heavy lifting:  Spotting the crime and secretly detaining the criminal.  Enter mall security in the most ‘epic fail’ moment ever.

Security guard: “What am I here for?”

Clerk tries to secretly point to the thief.

Security guard: “So someone stole something?”

Rose-coloured pants man takes his additional new ‘time killing’ sample and leaves.

Security guard: “Oh – that was him?  Well, what did you want me to do?  Search him?”

Ummm… yes! 

A long story short – the man in the pink pants made a mad dash off the property and the guard watched him do it.  The upside, I got a high-five from one of the clerks for my Nancy Drew-inspired skills.   After not only watching this go down, but having been part of it, I have discovered some very important life lessons:

1) My uncertainty surrounding the effectiveness of mall cops has hit an all-time high and is apparently well-founded .

2) Pink jeans for men are seemingly being crafted and sold throughout the world.  To some, the shoplifting would take a backseat to this offense alone.

3) Sometimes finding the perfect pillow mist can get you caught up in a situation you would never expect... like a heist, or a fashion crime.

All I can say is next time I see someone pocket body care, I’m going to pull out my high kick and nab the thief myself.  I can hear Tom Bergeron telling the story now…

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